MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
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“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.