Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

Stick with me and you’ll go places.

None of them good, but still.

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

[therapy]

me: I’m really trying to change

therapist: that’s great

me: I want to be become a different person

therapist: how

me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis

therapist: no