Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
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Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I love this❤️😁👍
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up