Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
You Might Also Like
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.