Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*![]()
You Might Also Like
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Florida be like…
![]()
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
![]()
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
![]()
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.