Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
You Might Also Like
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
🐟✨ #re4
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.
My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.