[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Traveler’s camo
