Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”

Commas can make a world of difference…

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Spring cleaning checklist…

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?

There’s a doctor here to see you.

Doctor who?

No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”