[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
LOL!
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
rip to my favourite tweet
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.