Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
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Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”