@sonictyrant

mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt

me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back

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@Parkerlawyer

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

@Parentpains

When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.

@chuuew

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

@Travon

So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.

@KeetPotato

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

@Aikiwomannc

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

@ibid78

Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.

@matt___nelson

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”