mugger: act cool and you wont get hurt

me: *two thumbs up* Eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

mugger: you know what, here’s your wallet back

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Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.


When all else fails burn shit, people will forget how much of a failure you are when they see stuff on fire.


ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?


To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.


So sad America ranks 25th in the world in math. But at least we’re still in the top 10.


[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?


Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.


Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.


[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”