Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

Waiter: here’s your milksha-

James Bond: grrrrrrr

Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot

Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?

if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup

Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself