Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

ㅤ

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

My stupid belt shrunk again today.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

Inside you there are two wolves

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.

Me: but I’m infested.

Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.

dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here