Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.

What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

*first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

I kid you not.

-Condom wearers

😊🦆

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them

cause that’s creepy AF

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.