Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Mugger: Everyone is sleeping, follow me silently
Also me [holding a clicking pen]: *click click click click*
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PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
“Describe yourself in one word.”
*rises out of neighbor’s hot tub* I’d like to talk to you guys about home alarm systems…
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
As I’m walking in the house the kids outside ask if it’s somebody’s birthday because I have balloons in my hand. I say “No, I just wanted balloons” and the little girl says ” you can do that?!”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice