[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.