mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
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Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Beware of the “party goblin”…
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’