mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
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date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is