Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze

horse: is ur name liam

liam neeson: yea?

horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie

liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me

I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

I’m single and proud of it!

* Flips hair
* Trips over cat

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

How can I say no to this ?

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.