Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.

2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black

2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.

[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

She: I like Cats
He:

My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

before meds: i hate everything

after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Me: I’m Gen-X

Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now

Me: No, it means I…

Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest

Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”