mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
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Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…