Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle

Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha

Noah: [door lock noise]

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.

them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT

me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t

I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography

Yup.

“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo: