Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
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[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up