mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
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House sitting for friends while they’re out of town. Never knew Rob kept a diary.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman