mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot