Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”

I’m gonna need a lot more than that.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Me: 46 and out of shape

Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

Said the murderer.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.

person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash

me: usually once

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”