Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
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The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
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They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.