Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
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The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT