Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.

Me: *ransacks house looking*

*digs in garbage*

*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*

*forms 15 person search party*

*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*

11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.

When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.

(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy

Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck

My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.