Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Winnipeg!!

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

Woke up with morning Yule Log

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?

Obama: Well, I’ve alw–

Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?

Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

hi why am I like this

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*