Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.