Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

[forest precinct]

DETECTIVE OWL: HOO

BEAR: I dont know

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: I DONT KNOW

DET OWL: HOO

BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

*works from home*

*files claim for hostile work environment*

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge

If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat