Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
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You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
your honor my client chooses dare
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
This could’ve been an email.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.