@QwertyJones3

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

- @QwertyJones3

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@kentgrossarth

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

@joeljeffrey

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

@Contwixt

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

@Jerrypleasure

By the age of 20 you should have

1. $10 in your account

2. a bad relationship story

3. a knee pain

4. anxiety

5. back pain

@AtticusFinch79

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

@3sunzzz

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

@RexHuppke

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

@subtweetopath

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

@TragicAllyHere

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky