Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

i haven’t exaggerated in like a million years

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?

ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this

I forced her to tell me what I was to her

Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

peak technology

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ