Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
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If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I used the label maker
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different