Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

[call]

MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.

ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.

MOM: what?

ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

Dropped an egg on the floor this morning, so now I have to tell one of my sons that he can’t go to college.

Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.

I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.

I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.

My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.