Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

Me: NOT THIS TIME

Kids: *already running away with my pants*

The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun

That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.

I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

😭🤣

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

him: damn girl you’re hot

me (menopausal): I know. it sucks

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

How to pet your cat:

1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”

[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—

Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin

On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..

How hung over are you?

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

We have great news. We’re pregnant!

-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?

Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended