Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ english class ]

me: this is useless, i’m outta here

*20 years later*

judge: please rise for your sentence

me: my what

idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them

Nobody:

Absolutely nobody:

3: Mommy, I hid your phone.

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*

doctor: ok thanks for all your help

me: no problem, have a good one

doctor: love you bye

me:

doctor:

me:

doctor: i’m married

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex

Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?

I hope they boil the right one.

When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

[comedy club]

GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?

TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it

All I’m saying is if you’d told 15 year old iain his inbox would be full of robots, he would have been STOKED

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.

Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.

Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.