@bobvulfov

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

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@AndrewNadeau0

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

@AndrewNadeau0

If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.

@Christi_Q

Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.

@BigJDubz

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

@MrPudmansButler

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

@est1975blog

I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.

@timdonakowski

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

@A_SmartAss

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.