MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

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Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.


Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?


Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*


A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.


If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.


My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?


Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.


I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.


Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think


How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?