MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

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{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.


If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.


Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.


The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?


If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.


I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.


Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.


Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.


I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.