MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing