@bobvulfov

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

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@JohnLyonTweets

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.

@E_lok44

Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

@sarcasticmommy4

A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.

@TheSomeGuyShow

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

@Whitnuts

My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.

Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.

@botandy

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

@attsmcjay

I learn from the mistakes people make after taking my advice.

@david8hughes

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

@ThePhilFactor

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?