MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

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One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious


Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.


my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices


[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy


It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.


Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.


(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.


Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.