MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
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my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Brilliant!
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
How I’d get arrested…
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.