MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
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LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
This is a true ally.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
This is what makes twitter great
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically