Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

*first day as a vegan*

“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…

5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner

I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Things that don’t exist:

1. Unicorn

2. Ghosts

3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*

Han Solo: Who are you?

Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*