Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

If looks could kill

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…

WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.