Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.

I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.

Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.

I disagree with my politics

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

Him: My friend got me a Fitbit

Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though

Him: You can buy them online

Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.

Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband: