Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
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Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.