Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?

DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p

ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel

EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.

WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?

ME: *Muffled* No.

WIFE:

ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.

I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.