Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.

He was behind this terrible fence.

In my neighbor’s yard.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

Encore…

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry