Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

Me: I’ve hit rock bottom

The Rock: Harder

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.

Me: “What are you drawing?”

6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”

Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”

6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”

I figured it was too good to be true.

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

Therapist: what’s your support system like?

Me: about $150 an oz

[Pulled over by cops]

Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!

Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.