Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]

ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

middle school in the ’90s

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”

– Kids

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.

It’s science.

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.