Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
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Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.