Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.

got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.

Donut: ….

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

My neck, my back, my…

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

Dumplings,

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.