Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

This is so messed up and I love it 🤣

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars

Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.

My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…

“Hold my rice cake”

Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

I have so many questions.

Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak