Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking..

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream

drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful

2: Mommy!!

Me: Yes?

2: NOOOOOOOOO!

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.