Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people

Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

Nothing.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”

WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER

364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.

1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.

this has to be peak English

Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…