Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.

This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool

[walking into museum]

i must read each and every description, really soak up the history

*after 20 minutes*

can i sit on this or is it art?

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.