Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

Me: this would be better without the raisins in it

Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.

Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.

Daughter: I don’t know what that means.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

Couldn’t recommend it enough.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”

angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *

My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.

My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml