Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.