I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
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Instead of the Maternity Ward they should have called it
the New Releases section.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
me: yes but where
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
“This bacteria can live dormant in your body for decades” big deal buddy that’s what I’m doing too
Boyfriend planted watermelon seedlings in our garden. I just bought a watermelon to put beside his plant before he wakes up tomorrow.