Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.

1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.

-mental notes I take watching crime tv.

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.

about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin