Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore

When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?

shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.

BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.