Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

liiiiiiiiike

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.

it’s the silliest best thing

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:

-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

My kids: what are we having for…

ME: LEFTOVERS

fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am

*blunted, plastic butter knife

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.