Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Office: Coronavirus

Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this

Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity

Angela wears a hazmat suit

Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)

Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade

No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….

i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”

i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”

he ain’t laugh

Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: hey you shocked me!

Me: oh no! I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.

The steaks have never been higher.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*