Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun

[INFOMERCIAL]

“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”

Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

Me too door. Me too.

Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

just once id like to see people talking about a murder victim in an average way. like yeah tony always hated going food shopping. decent guy tho

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.

“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”

ME: What do we want?!

“TIME TRAVEL!”

ME: When do we–oh

[Theater]

GF: I got M&M’s.

Me: I can’t eat those here.

GF: Why?

M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

” Don’t be upset”

Thanks man , I needed to be told that

I’m better now.