Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

Put this video in the Louvre

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.

Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.

not for long

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.

A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.

Them: Can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *bursts into flames*

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.