Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.

You know….

Squid Pro Quo

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

“Oh hi, you’re home early”

The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.

I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.

I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

date: i like the strong silent type

me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.

chore hatred level:

considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

[Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.