Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
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If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.
On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–
[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[first day as a robber]
me: can i have your money
me: [determined not to give up] can i have your money, please
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.