Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
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If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Google Pay be like:
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear