@stephenjmolloy

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

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@kentgrossarth

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

@TheBoydP

If someone gives me an answer I don’t agree with I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I assume they didn’t understand the question.

@BlondAmbitionTO

On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.

@PhilJamesson

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

@AlexvanBeek

I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.

@Ixwie

There’s really nothing worse than being forced to watch a video on someone else’s phone and having to pretend to laugh for 3 minutes.

@NintenDom

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

@heybuddy_comics

[first day as a robber]

me: can i have your money

him: no

me: [determined not to give up] can i have your money, please

@Ten_Toes_7

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

@markleggett

At some point, male “pick-up artists” are just going to start chasing women around like Benny Hill.