Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
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DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar