Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-

*elephant charges and runs me over*

me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles

*elephant trumpets*

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

BECOME UNGOVERNABLE

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?

Because there are more birds on that side

An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?

So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!

I’m prepared for anything.

Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.

IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

Who exactly is this sign for?

Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT