Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

my mind

You just read my mind

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”