Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

[first day as a bartender]

customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner

me: [holding it] HEY

her: [looks up]

me: CATCH

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.