mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Thursday
THE AUDACITY. 😤
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.