Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

dark side of the loom

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.