mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
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*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
repaired
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.