Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]

WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s

Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done

Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?

Me: Absolutely!

Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?

Me: Absolutely!