mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Go to drunk, you’re bed.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
All I’m saying is that nobody can cook rubbish like last borns. Those creatures can even fry water
if you relate to me, get some help
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
How actors in movies eat their food
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.