mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
You Might Also Like
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Rooting for the overdog
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir